I'm drunk. Gin and tonic. Tonic and gin. This is a ridiculous way to deal with things, to eat and drink my pain and yet? Where else do I have an outlet? Nowhere. I have to be on all the time. I have to wear my game face, my big girl panties; I have to suck it up.
I can't fall to pieces no matter how badly I want to. And somewhere, somehow, something has to give. And so sometimes I drink so I can just escape for an hour and maybe I can sleep.
I don't drink too often. It's not like I do this every night or even every week but sometimes I swear it just becomes too much. Sometimes I need so desperately to just feel nothing because the weight of everything I feel (and the feelings I have to hide) every minute of every hour is enough to crush me.
And I think that maybe if I drink enough that I can sleep. That maybe my sleep will be uninterrupted and dreamless. I would like not to be plagued by dreams.
The nightmares I don't mind because, shit, they're just fucking reality. It's the good dreams I don't like. It's the good dreams I have to wake up from. The good dreams where my life actually is what it appears to be - full of health, wealth, and happiness - are horrible. They are a mockery of what could be. The only thing I have of those three things is the wealth and I don't fucking care for it. I mean, I don't hate it. But give me the health and the happiness and I'll happily leave the wealth behind.
It doesn't work that way, unfortunately.
And so sometimes I drink. And I go numb and I revel in that numbness. Please, God, give me dreamless sleep tonight.