Thursday, August 19, 2010


I'm drunk. Gin and tonic. Tonic and gin. This is a ridiculous way to deal with things, to eat and drink my pain and yet? Where else do I have an outlet? Nowhere. I have to be on all the time. I have to wear my game face, my big girl panties; I have to suck it up.

I can't fall to pieces no matter how badly I want to. And somewhere, somehow, something has to give. And so sometimes I drink so I can just escape for an hour and maybe I can sleep.

I don't drink too often. It's not like I do this every night or even every week but sometimes I swear it just becomes too much. Sometimes I need so desperately to just feel nothing because the weight of everything I feel (and the feelings I have to hide) every minute of every hour is enough to crush me.

And I think that maybe if I drink enough that I can sleep. That maybe my sleep will be uninterrupted and dreamless. I would like not to be plagued by dreams.

The nightmares I don't mind because, shit, they're just fucking reality. It's the good dreams I don't like. It's the good dreams I have to wake up from. The good dreams where my life actually is what it appears to be - full of health, wealth, and happiness - are horrible. They are a mockery of what could be. The only thing I have of those three things is the wealth and I don't fucking care for it. I mean, I don't hate it. But give me the health and the happiness and I'll happily leave the wealth behind.

It doesn't work that way, unfortunately.

And so sometimes I drink. And I go numb and I revel in that numbness. Please, God, give me dreamless sleep tonight.

3 prisoners breaking out:

The Wolf said...

You carry a lot of pain on you're shoulders from what you write, and I can relate to much of what you said. It seems there is so much in our lives that bog us down and trample us. I know it's not much but know that you're not alone.

Joann Mannix said...

I think starting this blog is the best thing you could ever do for yourself, Pretty Prisoner.

I don't know your situation, but I do know this: I know what a smart, capable woman you are, so I know you must have valid reasons for staying where you are at this moment.

And know that all darkness has a light, you just have to find it. I hope you find your light and your strength. Keep writing. Keep telling us your truths.

Stay strong and find your way to that light, for your babies' sake and for your sake. Remember, you are beautiful. You are strong. You can do this.

The Queen said...

I found a lot of answers in Gin and Tonic. I"m just saying. don't turn your back on gin and tonic too soon. Sometimes.. it's just what you need to get the nerve..and the good aim.. to make that frying pan count!

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