I just got home from a little mini vacation. As fabulous as it is to get away, being out of the shit for a few days makes it ever so much harder to wade back into it.
For four days I didn't have to answer to anyone, I didn't have to be ridiculed, I didn't have to watch my step, and I didn't have to pretend I was happy because I actually was happy. It was incredible. I cannot remember the last time I had so much fun.
And all I want to do is go away again. I want to take my children and run to parts unknown, but he has me right where he wants me. I have all the money in the world, but it's just out of my reach. He allows me access to almost none of it. My "allowance" hardly stretches to cover the kids and my needs now, when our major expenses are taken care of. It's like being in the middle of the ocean and thirsty as hell. There's "water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink".
I'm stuck. Terribly, impossibly stuck. It's the most helpless, claustrophobic feeling I can think of. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I want to go back on vacation. Um, permanently. Someday, hopefully.